| Well, my first entry. I don't know what to say. I imagine this would have been more interesting had I started it earlier, say a few years ago, when I was wallowing in the recesses of my own mind, trying to make structures out of the muck. But somewhere along the way, things changed. My search for the universe, for patterns in the chaotic expanses of life, for me, well, it has become less frantic. I finally have a measure of peace with myself. I think for the first time in twenty three years I like myself. How corny and trite. Yet, I realize I have been happy for the first time since childhood. Since my life was relatively carefree (even then i had stress, how sad). Still, I remember that time being hazy, and full of hallucinatory visions, complete with audio. I'm pretty sure the haze is not that of memory, but its strange that I would have been conscious of it, isn't it?
Hmmmm. Yes yes, I almost feel as if I'm an actual living boy these days, a strange feeling for a person who has never been a wooden puppet. But, you know, a strange thing happened shortly after I caught up to my small piece of peace of mind. Very strange to me indeed. I went on vacation, back to where I did much of my maturing, at least socially, to Washington D.C. Site of my first failed attempt at higher education. Where I actually did get a "higher" education if you will, just not in the classroom (well, not too often). This was where I also worked for the time in my life, lived on my own for the first time. Many many firsts there. So, I revisited the capitol and its transigent population, its upper class white lawmakers, and its overlooked ghetto dwellers. A strange city in and of itself, a city without a say in its own nation, yet forced to house the national government. A city dichotomized, polarized, and, i digress...
So, almost randomly I decided to visit, after two years of virtually no contact with any of my old(hah) friends from DC, I went back. I stopped by NYC on the way, it was fun. I got back in touch with people in the 202 only weeks before i visited. But what I was getting at was what happened while I was there. It didn't strike like lightning as I thought it might, but it crept up on me, and smacked the shit out of me just the same. I may not be ready yet to call it by its true name, but let's just say i spent some time with an old friend. I knew Anna when I used to live in DC, we called ourselves friends, but rarely talked. I saw her when I saw other friends, or occassionally at random, in the quad, me often fucked up on whatever i could get my hands on. Or, I'd see her with the boy, Craig, who I was actually friends with at the time. We'd hang out, smoke a bowl, or a blunt, or a trumpet. But I didn't really know this girl. Sure, I had a brief crush, very mild, and only lasting for a week maybe. But something was different now, wasn't it?
i stayed at her apartment for most of the trip, on her and her roommate Morgan's futon. It was hot. Ever been to DC in the summer? Swamps should not be made into capital cities. So, staying at Anna'a meant chilling with Anna, everyday, basically, for a month. Time flew by. I had actual conversation with her, spant a lot of time alone with her. Granted there were several evenings of which neither of us has any clear recollection, but I go the gist of it.
Before I knew it, I was in New Jersey, on the fourth of July, beaches and fireworks and barbecue. And something had changed. I had fought it, grappled with it, wupressed it, but it had won out anyway. I had only delayed it. I still won't name it, perhaps it will leave me when I do, and i can't have that. I'll say this instead, that I have never felt the way i feel now, and its been over two months since i have seen her face, or breathed in her everything. Its been that long, longer then the time i spent with her, twofold. And still it grows, consuming me. Again and again. I don't have the words for it. Maybe i shouldn't.
After Jersey, Anna moved back home to Philly, a stop off until she moved back again to whence she came, way back when, to Scotland. I'll be there in 96 days. See her for another two weeks. I only hope that "time is on my side" as the song sings.
And that my friends is my first entry. |
